Random Christmas Thoughts

Check out the Christmas photos from our Christmas party. They are quite entertaining (at least to me). I had a wonderful visit with my wife, even though I worked her pretty hard getting ready for the party and all. She give me some things to ponder as she can see things here in the valley that I can't. As always, her special friendship is something I will always cherish.

I have been thinking a bit about Christmas, and feel that in a way it is a lot like Obama's election. A time of renewed hope, and a feeling that maybe the world can get started down a road of peace. I only hope that we don't get jaded to quickly with Mr. Obama, and we give him time to make a difference. Many have given up on Christianity because of the way the messages have been warped by those in power. Let's hope what so many people feel is a new era doesn't get warped before it can take a strong foothold into our culture.

I am somewhat tired of pondering life as I do too often, and am feeling more and more comfortable just leaving things be and enjoying the moment. I know I have said this often but I find myself actually not thinking at times and wondering what is happening. Amazing.

I do know that I am not really cut out to service people in this manner my whole life. I keep thinking about the big picture and what really causes the problems in the first place. I believe I need to be somewhere that I can affect public policy or action. I guess I am not cut out to be a follower. Many of you already knew this about me, but I think I can finally admit it to myself. I believe I have a lot to offer in helping facilitate change, but the trick will be discovering the proper venue.

Speaking of venue, the Mellotones spring show is starting practice in January. Should be a good one. I believe the performance is in March if anyone would like to come down for this show of shows.

Hope you all have a Merry Christmas, but more importantly have a joyous present moment (and the next and the next) for the rest of your present moment life. Peace to all of you and my wish is that humankind can start seeing that death and destruction is not the true road to happiness and power. When will we tire of killing? Not a happy way to end so one more time, love to you all.

Write in a While

Not much has happened so I haven't been writing much. I have been contemplating some of the feelings I have around my job. It is interesting to note that I feel very ineffectual in actually doing anything of substance towards the issues our organization faces daily.

My wife is coming to visit and that will be nice to experience a bit of home here in the valley. I pick her up tomorrow from Colorado Springs, and she will partake in the annual Christmas party here. Of course she will work, as the group I work with is in charge of much of the activity in the party. She also will be fortunate enough to work with the PALS program, some of the children who are organization serves.

So I will be quite busy over the weekend, and won't be paying much attention to the blog. Just wanted to say hi and wish you all a Merry Christmas if I don't write till then. I always talk about how blessed I feel, and that will never stop. I consider anyone who reads this blog a friend, and I feel very thankful for all of you. Love and lets pray for real peace on earth in our lifetimes.

Unqualified Success

So I have to say our performance was nothing short of spectacular. Of course anytime I can do an Elvis impersonation I am completely happy. To say the least, it was an interesting event to take part in. Seeing the smiling faces in the audience no matter how I thought things sounded was a reminder that anytime people can watch others being happy goes beyond critique of quality. Of course we had our moments, but certainly the best was our outfits. And let it be enough said that I was among the youngest in the venue. I did get a couple of women come up to me afterward and say they really enjoyed my performance because of course "every group needs a clown."

I have also uploaded a few random images of a trip to Creed I took recently. Met some interesting people, one of which had the bungalow you will see in the picture. It had some great views and some original artwork birdfeeders. Very cool. Also went fossil hunting there on the slope outside of town. I wasn't very successful, but it was fun smashing rocks. The last picture is just a beautiful sunrise taken out my bedroom window. So now you get two blogs in one weekend. Hope all is going well.

Where to Start?

There are just so many directions I could go with this blog, I am not sure where to begin. It has been busy, and yet not. At least a couple nights a week were taken up by rehearsal. Our show will be "entertaining". Just wish I could get a video of it. As a hint, I actually get two measures of singing as Elvis (or my interpretation of such). If I am allowed to get away with that, one can imagine the rest. Singing has felt good though, and I am looking forward to performing once again.

I have been thinking a lot about what my lessons are here in this remote valley of the lost. There is a sense of isolation here that I never would of thought possible to find so close to home. It is not because of the remoteness of the place, but more the feel of the area. I guess I realize now that I get my energy from people. Many people here are nature energy people. I love being out in nature and enjoying the power of the earth, but my primary driver is people. The energy coming from people here is confusing at the least. The sense of order and peace is extremely different than that in the Twin Cities.

I suppose that is something I need to comprehend. I came here as most of you know to "let go" (I seem to be using a lot of quotes in this blog) and to hopefully discover that next step I need to try. I suppose I was hoping for answers again to pop up in my heart, but now I know that all I can do is keep being open to paths that open up. My wonderful daughter is so correct in quoting Dr. Suess
"Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than you."
That is such a living in the present moment thing. I am who I am right now. I miss Mr. Theodore Geissel, for he had such insight that he could express so simply, unlike this current writing of mine.

So I often ask myself, "what is my lesson, what am I learning?" I think I am learning not to ask those questions. Most of what I am learning is impossible to write in words. It is about perceptions, feelings, energy. It is not about proverbs or directions. I am learning to appreciate all the me that I am, discovering feelings inside that defy definition, yet changes each day. Perhaps there is more to my atomic chemistry theory than I thought. I also know that each day is precious, that focusing on laughter and love is much better than focusing on sadness, pain, and fear. And that the world isn't about me and my happiness but just is what it is each day.

Oh well, thanks for reading my ramblings. I appreciate the responses. I am more and more aware that all of you add value to my life and my life is better because of your existence. I hope the day will come that we all see our connections to each other and Mother Earth clearly without any fear. Jeez, I feel like an old hippie now.

Just Saying Hi

It's been an interesting week. I have enjoyed getting out a bit more, and thoroughly enjoyed some wonderful conversations with new friends. Our Christmas concert is December 7th so there is much rehearsal for that. Work is the same old thing. I find ways to keep busy, people keep coming for assistance. My attitudes towards this has changed somewhat. I am still convinced that we don't do much more than enable people to continue to live in an unhealthy manner. As I said before there are those who really need the help, and really want to help themselves, and there are those who have come to take the assistance and work it into their annual budget. There isn't enough continuity in a volunteer organization, nor enough money, to track and help these people change. Not sure what the answer is.

That's it for now. Thanks for the responses on the truth question. I think Sheri did a fine job in categorizing truths, but I think my main point in bringing it up is the concept of relative truth. I do believe in an absolute truth, but our life is obscured with the relative ones. That is why we can never "know" an absolute truth but can certainly live within one if we recognize and live out of the love in our hearts, and not the relative truth of the mind. Love is the key that opens all doors. Love to you all.

You Can't Handle the Truth

Thanks for all your comments on the last blog. Obviously relationships trigger something within us, which probably speaks to how we all innately feel the connection between us all. On another note, I happened upon a book in our house called "The Fabric of Self - Meditations on Vanity and Love" by John McAfee. Though some of the writing is classic new-age, he had a great quote on absolute truth (that which we all seem to seek). Since this concept has come up in several conversations this week, I thought I would share the passage with you, and then give my personal reflection on this (don't I always?). John writes

"Is there an absolute truth, a fundamental reality that is capable of being perceived, or is all truth relative? If truth is relative then it is individualistic--something that is filtered through our individual prejudices and limited by our sense inputs--and it is therefore fragmentary, tainted, and incomplete. So can it be the truth? Something that is incomplete or twisted by our prejudices is obviously less than the truth. Yet all our knowledge, by definition, is fragmentary and tainted by bias. The known by its very nature is relative and therefore limited. So if an absolute truth exists, it must exist beyond the scope of knowledge."

He ends the book by saying:
"Must we forever struggle blindly in the field of our own and others' deceptions, or is there not some absolute truth, some reality that exists independent of our past conditioning, which can be discovered? I say unconditionally that there is, and that it is hidden in the mirror of our existing relationship to the world."

Well, that is a mouthful. This is how I interpret this for myself. At the start of my current journey, I believed I could seek and find the "truth". I read many books, and tried to find the one "true" path that would work for me. But for all I read and heard, this absolute truth was relative to the person telling it to me. Anything I discovered for myself was also tainted by my own biases and experiences. I am starting to realize now that I may never know the absolute truth, but I can see it and live in it without really knowing what it is. I believe it is beyond my scope of understanding. But by eliminating my past conditioning, by seeing the world through my heart, through others hearts, that I can live in a way that reflects this absolute truth. In a way, I can live the truth without ever knowing what it is. Of course this feels counter intuitive to my nature. I feel that I have always quested for answers, seeking that which is "right". I have, because of my background in computers, come to realize that at least in that field there is never a "right" answer. I now have to extend that learning to myself in terms of the absolute. It is incomprehensible, but it does exist. I know I can experience it without "knowing" it, much like seeing a beautiful sunrise without needing to understand all the scientific truths that make it so wonderful. I can revel in the fact that this absolute exists, and that it is reflected in everything around us. Does the real answer matter anymore? What matters is how we live and recognize the beauty in everything around us.

Thanks to my parents, who taught me how to enjoy reading, which in turn allows me to open my mind to ever more possibilities in my life. I see people around me who were never cared for, and never encouraged, and realize more each day how fortunate I have been in my life to have so many who cared.

I love you all.

Atomic Chemstry

So I have been thinking about relationships again, but more in from the standpoint of how it impacts who we are. It seems an obvious statement to say that everyone we meet has an impact on the person we are. Our parents, be they traditional or non, are obvious. People we work with, spouses, children, friends all have an impact on us. Of course we choose to learn as we will. I would argue that even people we pass in the street and just say good morning to can have an impact on us in ways we don't understand.
I started to think of it as this. As the world develops, atoms of different types (okay I won't go into exact science so no critiques on that from please) combine to create different substances. Some atoms naturally attract to each other, others tend to resist each other. But as they collect together, they form something unique. I believe that as we meet others, part of who they are, their atoms so to speak, join ours. This changes us, sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. We are never the same person. This is how we grow as individuals. I also believe there are those whose "atoms" are more compatible and though we may only talk for 5 minutes, we feel more comfortable with this person than with someone we may have known a lifetime. With these people our atoms merge easily, and each time we see them we feel drawn to them.
As an individual, I am unique. But I can't deny the importance of ALL people in my life, regardless of how I feel about them personally. I can't deny the fact that my being is constantly changing, reacting to the people around me and carrying forward the atoms of those who I have been with in the past. I remember a high school substitute who taught me about empathy, I a grade school girl I had a crush on, I remember a high school bully who terrorized me and realize these fleeting relationships are something that makes me think and feel and act as me. We all share at a level we don't really understand, but need to be more accepting of the fact that we are all part of each other, and make each other who we are.
Peace dudes. Would appreciate a word or two back if you have any thoughts.

Flurry of Activity

This weekend I had an enjoyable time working at a haunted house. No Mercy General Hospital to be exact. Needless to say I lost my voice doing a maniacal laugh, and stayed up much too late to actually feel rested. But it was fun. I followed people around staring at them in a blank look sort of way. It did a good job of creeping people out. Also this weekend someone broke into our office and stole 3 computers. This after a few days earlier breaking into another La Puente office and stealing 2 computers and a monitor. The police officer also told me that this weekend a church was broken into and computers were stolen. Again perhaps a sign of our economic times. I suppose they figured the bank's computers were probably in hock!!! My wife also needed to take my daughter to the emergency ward. I won't go into details, but she is doing fine now and should be up and back to work within a few days at the most. So lots of things happened, and I assume lots more are happening. I continue to become acclimated, we did get a new (for us at least) stove since we were down to one burner. This allows actually for a bit more flexibility in meals as one can cook multiple things at once.
I guess life continues to show itself as an unpredictable force. We can try to make it smooth and easy, but it will do as it may. Our way only gets bumpy if we try to resist. I know for myself that I need to learn to ride the wave, shoot the curl in surfer terms (we in the midwest surf alot you know). I will only drown if I try to go against such a mighty force.
Love all. I miss seeing your smiling faces. Hope all is well.
p.s. check out the pictures in the folder labeled Migrant Workers on my picture site. They were taken by a volunteer Brandy West and is a good depiction of the migrant workers doing lettuce harvest. My fingers would be gone with those knives.

Happy Halloween

It was our house responsibility to host the last "volunteer night". This included making a meal and coming up with entertainment activities (you will recall at the last one I won a zucchini for my dominance in twister). Well, our activity didn't work out, but we did have a costume requirement. Check out the pictures I posted. I was a little disappointed in that I, in the spirit of the upcoming season, decided to dress up as Baby New Year 2009. But to my chagrin I discovered that not all youth are familiar with who Baby New Year is. Oh well. The manicotti was good, as was the company. Happy Halloween everyone. Hope you are still smiling.

Not much to report

So I have been generally just working along, doing miscellaneous work along with my day to day. We went to a conference in Durango which was actually beneficial. The best part of this trip was Wolf Creek Pass. It is a very beautiful ride, as well as an amazing engineering feat. I pulled muscles in both my legs playing football this morning. Hopefully that pain won't last long. Overall it is just life in the SLV as normal. It was a beautiful sunrise this morning. The sky looked like it was on fire. These are not uncommon sunrises here. This place has a beauty to it that is hard to describe. My son is now in Japan for a year. It was hard not to be there to say goodbye, but at the same time was not that different than when he was at college. I am proud of the individuals both my children have become, and after seeing how some families exist around here, am constantly thankful for the wisdom and guidance my wife has provided for our family. So that's about it. Haven't heard from anyone in a while, so say hi if you want. Monday I start singing in a small group in Monte Vista that should be fun. Hope all is well in your life, and remember to wake up each morning and thank whoever you wish for the fact that you can open your eyes on one more glorious day, and be able to interact with people who love you.

Looking for Feedback - Too Late to Ignore

In my current job it becomes more and more apparent to me that the work I do is only helping to “stop the bleeding” of many of the people receiving aid. The concept of homelessness as something we can cure is entirely misleading. I believe the effort to end homelessness in 10 years is noble, but it will never catch those on the edge of poverty, living pay check to pay check. These people are right on the edge of falling into homelessness, one minor medical bill or illness from losing a job and all their money. Sure we can provide them a home, give them aid, but they always will be struggling if we don’t make fundamental changes to our society. The reason is that homelessness is not the real problem; it’s a symptom of some fundamental issues that even those battling homelessness don’t seem to want to take on. That is because in large part it is political, and calls for challenging ourselves to make some fundamental shifts in our thinking as Americans. Non-profits can’t afford to go down this road, as they risk alienating donors, foundations, and government funding sources. Given how much competition there is for the non-profit buck, there is no room to challenge the way things are. I believe there are several major areas that need to be addressed to actually give people a chance.

The first is obvious. It’s adequate, affordable health care that is available to all individuals. The current candidates don’t even talk along this line. They talk about tax breaks and more money available to us to pay for rising costs. What we need is policies that limit profits with any business associated with medical costs. We need to stop rising costs in all medical areas. We need to make it less costly for doctors to practice medicine by reserving malpractice for true negligence. We need to encourage doctors to work in low income areas by giving relief of their medical loans if they do service in these areas. Health care fundamentally needs to be viewed as a right, not as a commodity. We should be embarrassed as a nation that with all our wealth, we allow people to live in a state of physical and mental illness when we have the means to fix it.

The second thing we need to change as a nation is our concept of minimum wage. We should devise a way that people get extra money if working at livable wage. Perhaps we need a sliding scale for businesses depending on their size and ability to pay. For example we should determine a livable wage of $9. If a business is large enough to support this, they should pay it, but if they can’t we need to determine the minimum wage a business can afford. For instance if a business can afford $7 per hour, we should pay the individual through the government an additional $2 an hour to give them a reasonable hourly rate. What unfortunately occurs is that often, between day care (another thing we need to change) and fuel costs, it is easier for someone to try and pull government and aid money than work. This costs us so much more that $2 or even $5 an hour. This would also give neighborhood businesses a chance to compete against the Wal-Marts of the world but equalizing the cost of wages based on the profitability and size of the company.

Just these two things alone would keep many people living a better life, with more money in their pocket to keep them better fed, to pay energy bills, to help their children with education. There are many other things we could do. The problem is that this all feels a bit like socialism, and perhaps it tends that way. But our government has more than once bailed out businesses. What about bailing out our own people? And of course those of us who are fortunate enough to make a good income may have to look at our own lives differently. We may need to pay more taxes, or at least become involved enough in our politics to try and change the way money we give to our government is allocated. So how do we start friends? Let me hear your ideas.

Dostoevsky

I forgot how much I really loved The Brothers Karamozov. I suppose when I first read it, I didn’t quite get it all. Reading it again has given me a whole different appreciation for it. The philosophical spectrum he presents with his characters creates more questions than it answers. Anyway I really enjoyed this little passage from the Elder Zosima in response to people criticizing monks for being isolationists.

“For all men in our age are separated into units, each seeks seclusion in his own hole, each withdraws from others, hides himself and hides what he has, and ends by pushing himself away from people and pushing people away from himself. He accumulates wealth in solitude, thinking: how strong, how secure I am now; and does not see, madman as he is, that the more he accumulates, the more he sinks into suicidal impotence. For he is accustomed to relying only on himself, he has separated his unit from the whole, he has accustomed his soul to not believing in people’s help, in people or in mankind, and now only trembles lest his money and his acquired privileges perish. Everywhere now the human mind has begun laughably not to understand that a man’s true security lies not in his own solitary effort but in the general wholeness of humanity.”

Isn’t this really where many of us are at? We worry about all of our acquisitions, worry about our retirement security, worry about whether we can afford a new house in a better neighborhood. But the reality is if we all recognize how we are all connected we could build a more secure feeling for everyone. I won’t go on about health care (yet) or our economic system (yet), but this is exactly where we are at. Encouraging the individual to make good, and ignoring the involvement with the community. Think about how you measure success. Please. If you are happy with your answer, whatever it is, I applaud you. If you aren’t, try to decide how you would like to answer and pursue that course in your life.

Thanks Galina for giving me the wonderful translation of The Brothers Karamazov before I left. It makes for wonderful reading and thought.

So I've Been Busy

Last week was our first week without our manager. We probably will get another come mid-November. Anyway I have been doing lots of data entry, and developed some simple, very poorly designed databases to allow for better collection of some data. It is hard building something that you know you have to make simple so people without any background in databases can maintain it. Pretty shabby stuff. Anyway, I meant to write more often, but just have been going with life, watching baseball, working, actually playing football (and my body reminds me often now that I really don't have my muscles in shape for that). I miss home at times, only for the warmth of my friends and family. It feels isolated out here. This area feels sad to me, and I am thankful that I have come here with such a great group of volunteers. Their presence takes away some of that edge, and their kindness towards each other is uplifting. I am trying to write something up on symptom vs. disease of things like homelessness and poverty. I am discouraged by both of our primary presidential candidates in that they really say very little new. When I hear change, I like to see 90 degree departures, not 5 degree variances. Hopefully once elected, whoever wins will show their true ideas instead of the sugar coated platitudes they throw out in speeches and debates. Hope all is well with you (whoever you may be) and remember to always be thankful for what you have, no matter how little it seems. And also remember that your most precious possession is your relationships with other, so cherish and nurture them. I read a great paragraph in The Brothers Karamozov (yes Galina, still reading) that I will share with you at a later date that speaks to the point of our relationship to each other and the importance of it. I love you all, and I understand that more each day.

Hope Week

This week is Hope Week at La Puente. It attempts to get the community involved and help them understand aspects of volunteerism, homelessness, etc. It ends with a grand community picnic at the shelter. Tonight we had a candlelight vigil walking from the shelter to a church with 3 stops along the way where reflections were read at the railroad tracks, at a dumpster, and at a bank. I had the honor of doing a reflection at the bank (symbolizing the value we put in money). I post it here for your enjoyment (or laughter or anger or whatever). Kind of a repeat for most of you, but for those who don't read regular, it shares a bit of my motivation for being here.

Bank Statement
There was a day when I measured my wealth by my possessions. Not just money or my house but also my job title and how much other’s valued me. I contributed to charities and donated a small part of my time as an obligation and perhaps as a way to make up for my accumulations. As I grew older and my wealth increased, I only felt emptier. There was something beyond possessions that I was missing.

Now I see that regardless of how wealthy I am, my true friends are still my friends, my family still loves me, and my happiness isn’t measured by what I have, but how I view the world around me. As humans, our worth comes not from wealth, but from the compassion, love, and respect we hold for others. Seeing the connection between us all allows us to realize that true happiness comes not from material possessions but from loving ourselves as we are, and letting that love flow through us to others.

Change Without the Pain? Is It Possible?

This weekend I took life pretty easy. Painted my room, and watched football. I am starting to make the transition to life here, but I always mess myself up with thinking about what I will do after I leave. It's silly since I have 10 months left. That’s a long time before I even need to think about things. It is a real lesson in living in the moment, taking life one day (if not less) at a time.
I actually listened to the whole presidential debate on Friday. I find it interesting that the word change, or new direction, is mentioned by both candidates. I also hear the same old thing about tax cuts, one for the lower and middle class, the other for the upper class. But there is little talk about cutting the defense spending, and little talk about where we will get the money to pay for tax cuts. It should be apparent to us by now that any time we cut taxes, other services suffer. Sooner or later the funding cut from small programs won’t give us the money to pay for the tax cuts.
And it’s the small programs that help those who need it, victims of our economy, our health care system, or just life itself. I am not sure of specific answers, but I believe it has something to do with what I mentioned earlier this week, planning our path instead of just enacting laws. If we want to cut taxes, let’s plan for it. Let’s make sure that we can find the money and not assume the tax cuts and “good charity” by Americans will make up for the loss of money by charitable organizations.
Let’s also hold the charitable organizations accountable for the funds they receive. Let’s make sure that when supporting a geographic area, we aren’t duplicating efforts among different organizations. Let’s make sure organizations work together to deliver more comprehensive coverage without diluting funds. Competing for the small amount of funds does not service those it should effectively.
Coming up with an idea and actually enacting it effectively are entirely different activities. It takes planning and thought about the impact of such changes to be successful. We need to take care of those who are impacted. We need to help those who need it feel proud of both themselves and the country they live in. I believe in the future that the strength of our country will come from our ability to show the world our humanity, both at home and abroad. And that will only start when we put humanity into our policies by taking into account those who have no voice.

Nice Day at Elk Creek

For our team outing today we went to Elk Creek (check out the pictures and the video) in the Rio Grande National Forest. It was beautiful with the fall colors, running water, sunshine, and even the cows. I started contemplating the difference between change and the transition to a new state. Defining the change you want to occur is relatively easy, where we fail is in determining the transition. I probably will write more on this later, but for now I will ponder. Off to watch the debate shortly. Does it really make a difference? I often wonder.
Elk Creek Video 1 (zen like no wind)
Elk Creek Video 2 (much more wind)

Black Billed Magpie

These birds are cool. This isn't my picture but there was one flying around the house. The tail is cool, because it is long and there is white on the tip. Also the contrast between the white and black on this bird is stunning in real life.

National Alliance to End Homelessness

This is a really good site. National Alliance to End Homelessness It talks about the issues clearly. Pay particular attention to the Ten Year Plan document. We have an interesting time in front of us. With our economy moving more and more away from manufacturing, our society will have to retool to make our economy strong again. In the by-product of this change, people will suffer. It is up to those who can make these transitions easily to help those who can't. As a nation we need to be aware that things aren't as they used to be, nor will they ever be. We are evolving as a nation, and as in any evolution there will be growth pains. Let's not charge forward without a plan for those who are unable to move easily.
FYI - Hennepin county is working on a ten year plan right now. Check out this site if you want more information. I believe this also is a state-wide initiative. I had my doubts when I first read about it, but have more faith in the approach now.

Adjusting to a Normal Week

Just a short note to say hello to all. I really have nothing to say. Amazing as that is, I did just think of something. I am actually having a hard time adjusting to not working so hard. I keep thinking I need more, even though I am doing everything they ask. A sad state of affairs that a normal work week doesn't seem sufficient for me, particularly given my high pay of $55 a week. I need to slow down the clock in my body and be happy with slowing down a bit. Hard to believe I can't.

Diverse Observations

So it's been a while. I've been busy. This Sunday we went to Colorado Springs. I took lots of pictures at Garden of the Gods, but it was too cloudy to see Pikes Peak. Beautiful area though. Had a wonderful day with 3 other volunteers, Joe, Brandy, and Sarah. I uploaded the pictures if you would like to take a look.

I have been amazed at not being too emotionally involved with the people I have been helping. I was worried that I would take their stories home and feel lost and forlorn. On the contrary, I fear now that I may become too cold and clinical in my approach. I find it hard to give out money when I see patterns of behavior that tell me they will just be back. This doesn't make me not want to help, it simply makes it seem like applying a band-aid to a young child and saying "it will be okay" but the kid just goes out and jumps off the roof again. Eventually you hope the kid learns, but if you don't at least try to change the behavior a little, they never will.

I see huge possibilities for multiple organizations to work together to provide a complete quilt for people. Right now I feel that individuals need to search for all the pieces themselves, and when they find them they don't fit.

And what possibilities am I learning for myself? I am finding it hard to adjust to a low budget, though I am getting better at it. I keep worrying about what I am going to do when I am done here, and I should just be focusing on the now. I am having a hard time letting go of old habits, of just letting go period. Perhaps it is a brief period of mourning before I go forward. I know I can't go back to programming again, but have no idea where this will all lead.

And how about those Packers? If they beat Dallas next week, I'm a believer again. Brett who? The green and gold rise to glory again.

I miss all of you back there at home. A day doesn't go by that at least one of you doesn't come to mind.

I have decided that egos keep the world from advancing. We all make choices based on our personal need to protect ourselves. I am not sure if that is learned from society or just inherit in us as humans. Would we choose to lose our job if it meant making life better for 20 individuals, 30, 100, 1? Your opinion?

Did I mention this was a diverse, if not rambling bit of blogging?

Is There an Answer?

Hope y’all enjoyed the pictures of Creed. Cool place. I helped out at the shelter all day Saturday. They had a bed bug problem and were fumigating. We had to wash the sheets, blankets and pillows, and clean up the rooms and mattresses. It was a long day. Sunday I just relaxed. Took some longer bike rides and my ass actually didn’t hurt. What a joy. Did play some tennis for the first time in 25 years. I wasn’t very good 25 years ago, and certainly didn’t improve with time, but it was fun. Perhaps I did improve on whether I cared that I was good or not.

Today I had an interesting interview. Since I have been warned of confidentiality, I can’t go into details. Let it be enough to say that people get themselves in trouble without really realizing it. I think we always believe that love is enough and will sustain us forever. But somewhere that logic fails for some. In the best of cases, both parties can continue on, being friends and being mutually responsible. But in others the love that existed becomes adversarial; one person suffers significantly, struggling to maintain some sort of concept of family and home. Responsibility and integrity take back seat to money and the new “friend”.

How much government money do we spend on trying to force people to do the right thing? Can we really force people to do the right thing? As always, gray becomes the color of choice. So many different stories, so many circumstances, not a single answer to solve the problem.

I started reading about the rural homeless initiative today. It is a fascinating proposition. But still begs a question. If much of homelessness is caused by unemployment, or the ability of the person to maintain employment, providing a home doesn’t solve the problem. It does provide the person a base, and that is essential, but the question of making enough money to pay rent, food, health care, and utilities still remain. Unless some source of income is provided, the ability of the individual to right themselves becomes impossible. Perhaps Roosevelt had the right approach with the WPA. But this would likely require more taxes. Heaven’s forbid we ever think of that.

I thought things would become clearer to me here, trying to understand and come up with a logical approach. But I believe when it comes to the nations’ impoverished there may not be a logical way to handle things. It becomes a question of conscience, and how much we are willing to give up so others can have. It also becomes a question of pride of our country. Are we proud of our individual success, or the fact that as a nation we take care of all of our citizens? What is the balance?

If you have an answer, let me know. I certainly am open to suggestions. My job allows me to patch, but not fix. Hearing and seeing people’s plight makes me realize that just throwing money to keep people living on the edge often only prolongs the inevitable. You can see where some of these people are going and know there is nothing you can do except give them a few more months when hopefully they will get a break. Talk about faith.

Peace to you all. Be grateful daily for what you have, for it can change rapidly. Be diligent with your friendships and don’t take them for granted. In the end it is the love we have for each other that is our true wealth.

The Abode

For those of you interested, here are some pictures of the house. I know I haven't shared this with many yet, but thought now would be a good time. I think my brief illness and feelings of wanting that comfortable spot made me realize that I am pretty comfortable here now. My housemates concerned themselves enough with me to help me through, and so I couldn't really complain. So this first picture of the outside, of course. Many homes here have the garage turned into a family room theme. I don't know why since it gets so cold. The fireplace likely loses more heat than it generates, but at least it gave me the "deck".

This next one is from the kitchen looking at the front door. You can see the steps up to the upper bedrooms. You have seen my bedroom, so I will spare you that picture. I will also spare you the amazingly small bathroom with the 4 foot shower we use upstairs as the look of it may disgust some of you too much.
And now the kitchen entered into directly from the living room.

Last but not least the family room (i.e. garage).

Of course I haven't included the hallway off the living room that leads to the other two bedrooms and downstairs bathroom. But this is pretty much our living space. Hope you enjoyed the tour. This house is available for a mere $175,000 payable to yours truly. I have other available properties throughout the US, particularly if you are sucker enough to buy this one.

I Want My Mommy

I have finally been hit by some mysterious illness that was either caused by food poisoning or by a flu virus. Either way, it wasn’t a pleasant thing to go through. I will spare you the symptoms, but as of this writing I have at least gotten through 2 of 4. It is interesting how being ill always makes me think of one thing, "I wish I was home in my own bed, and my mom was taking care of me." It seems whenever I feel ill it always comforts me to think of my mother, my youth, the caring, the love I felt. Perhaps that is what life is all about after all, nurturing and love. I wonder if we lose that nurturing aspect as we grow older. Or if perhaps we only think about it in terms of our family, but never extend it further. It is something I am going to think about more, as I think it is only possible by seeing us as all connected.

First Monthly Volunteer House Party

So each month one of the three houses has to host a theme party. I put up some pictures from our 80's party just held. As time goes on here I am feeling more and more comfortable. I will be teaching some beginning computer classes at another organization. Met a wonderful woman there. The journey's of some of these people is fascinating. I am feeling less and less that my journey isn't unique and I am not alone. I really am starting to enjoy the different dynamics also.
The group of individuals that came to La Puente with me are really pretty amazing. Though all the stories are different, they certainly have a confidence about them that I never experienced at that age. They all have questions and different quests, but somehow it is encouraging to know that the generation behind me has learned a lot of lessons much earlier than I.

Intimacy and Loneliness

Something pretty unexpected has happened to me. I feel loneliness in a way that I never expected. I have made many friends here, but I realize the loneliness is something different. It isn’t one for family, friends, work, but for the feeling of closeness that exists in an intimate (not necessarily physical) relationship. I realize I took for granted that closeness I felt when being with my wife, my children, and my closest friends.

Recently I met a young woman who for some reason I felt an immediate connection to, though our lives have little in common. It is a wonderful thing. The sad thing is she leaves in a week. But what it made me aware of is the beauty of that connection. For a week I will be less lonely than I was, and enjoy the brief time I have instead of being sad for its brevity.

Because people need intimacy, warmth, love. Each person has varying degrees of this need, but as I have become more and more open to my own soul, I realize how much my soul is nourished by these encounters. And how, even though we survive without it, we are made better by each of these intimate moments, whether it lasts for 35 years, 1 year, 1week, or 1 minute.

It can be painful to have a connection move out of your life. And so we try to protect ourselves by isolating our souls from completely joining with another. This is so sad. Enjoy the encounter, revel in what it adds to your life.

My sister often says we should not be allowed to talk, as this just screws up our relationships with others. In many ways she is right. Imagine if we could only communicate non-verbally. We could no longer hide our inner selves, but have to be honest with each interaction. Our souls would be fully open to each other, feeling the presence of others without hiding behind words.

So what have I really learned? I need to be open to each encounter, listening and feeling with my entire being. I can’t expect magical things to happen with everyone I meet, but I can take away from each encounter the magic of life itself. I need to rejoice in relationships while they last, and not grieve them when they change. My light shines better when combined with others, and that addition can never be taken away. And though situations always change, my soul can only become stronger by being present each and every moment.

So He Does Come Down for Coffee!!

The question is "Is he any wiser or just becoming more confused?"

Lots More Random Thoughts

Today we had an all staff meeting. It was interesting to meet all the people, listen to the differing opinions, and see how diverse their backgrounds were. The director of La Puente (Lance), asked us a question whether we thought La Puente did too little or too much, in other words should they expand their services or not.

The opinions were spread from one extreme to the other. What the question made me think about was the limited funds, and that in the non-profit world the same as business one must protect your core business, make sure it is “profitable” and self sustaining before spreading your capital beyond. Unlike business, it is pretty difficult to take out loans to expand your business without being assured of some source of income, either in grant money or in federal funding. It strikes me that in business, a failure in expansion may just cause that expansion to fail, where the risk in the non-profit is it can bring the whole thing down. The social cost to losing a place like La Puente is enormous. So while our social needs continue to grow, non-profits have to be careful not to grow too rapidly so that they can maintain at least a core set of services.

The La Puente model of funding is fascinating to me also. It runs a coffee shop, two thrift stores, a boutique (with antiques), and a motel. These don’t fund the organization completely, but they certainly contribute a good sum of operating capital. I feel like there is something to learn within this model, though I don’t know if it would work in a larger city. The beauty is that they can use these businesses for job preparedness and training for their clients. Pretty amazing stuff.

Then I start asking myself “what can I learn here that I can take forward?” It is way too early for that question to be asked, and perhaps I shouldn’t ask it at all and have faith that for whatever purpose my path has led me here will be revealed. I do know that I already have a much different opinion about homelessness and the complexity of the issue. Is it personal choice, social pressures, or our culture that causes it? Good luck on finding a consistent answer on that. I also know that the general public tends not to have a real picture, as I believe organizations reveal what they need to in order to get money, but never really engage the public in controversial discussion. I believe this is what has to happen in order for our country to help not just the homeless but anyone else in need.

Miscellaneous Thoughts

So today I decided to go in and help prepare the food for the Sunday afternoon meal. Joe invited me to come, so I thought I would try. I realized that I really need to start being present here, become involved with both my co-volunteers and the La Puente system in general. My goal is to let go and discover, but I realized I am still clinging to my past. Damn cell phones make it easy to call people anytime, anyplace. It can become a habit. I need to move into the present, live with my decision, and not keep second guessing myself. I figure if I don’t call people every day I it will help. I also think once I get more busy, my focus will change.

I also decided that I need to build a better “nest”. These pictures are of my room, from the hallway looking in and from the door to the deck looking back.

It is more comfortable to me now than it was when I first came here (imagine in these pictures a queen size mattress on top of a straw bed). I found some paint so now I can get rid of the red trim. Then to the walls.

We went to a drive-in last night. Saw “The Dark Knight” again. It is a cool movie, and the struggle in defining the baseness of man is interesting. There are those who will move to the lowest means possible to survive, as the heads of the mob do, and there are those who show true understanding of the sanctity of human life, as the convict on the boat does. It also shows that past decisions don’t need to define who we want to be now. Again the convict is a good example of this. Batman himself struggles with this. By battling the crime in the city he created an environment for Joker to thrive. But had he not fought crime, criminals would run the city. He can only make a decision based on the moment, not on all past events. What is right now may not seem right later.

Oh well, I am feeling more in tune with myself today. Decided I have to get back to meditation. Made a delicious rhubarb cake with a recipe from my mom with the rhubarb that grows on the side of our house. Scrubbed floors and walls. Today I think I will paint the walls a bit. I need to start functioning in the present. Thank you all for listening. And Gary, Muhammad doesn’t always go to the coffee, sometimes the coffee comes to Muhammad.

My Family is Wonderful

So here I am. It is my son’s birthday, my family is making a dinner and I sit on my bed and write a blog. How do I feel about this? I am sad as I feel I am missing a part of life that is important to me. I love my family, they are wonderful people and it is hard to be here and not interact on a regular basis. I am fortunate that they have such wonderful capabilities as humans, caring, compassionate. Could I ask for more?

I am also happy. Happy that regardless of where I am, I know that they continue being the people they are. I am certain that my wife and my children will continue to bring joy and help others regardless of whether I am there or not. I feel that I have contributed to their lives. How can one ask for more, other than adding value to a person’s life?

My path leads me I know not where, but knowing that I have the love of my family, that no matter what they understand and hold no ill will, makes me feel that I am the most fortunate person in the world. Slowly I am losing the fear that I can do no more for my family and realize that it is me that they love, not the money or security I may have brought them. I realize the love I hold for them is the most important thing, and I desire to expand and share that love with those who never had someone in their life who cared.

After all, aren’t we all just one big family? Shouldn’t we all support each other on our quests and searches, with no judgments? My family has shown me the depth of this belief. It’s what I believe we each have to do with our daily interactions. Only then can this world achieve peace. Only then can we provide true help to those who need others. Done from our heart, in the same way we would help family, not because of trying to do good for others, but because we would never let our family down.

Life at a Relaxed Pace

2008-08-14 Alright, so it’s been a while. I apologize. Not much has been happening. I have been cleaning the house, the yard, the office, working on computers. Feels a lot like home. I have a wonderful view of a mountain from my house. I can sit on the rooftop and enjoy a nightly drink of Jameson and a beautiful view. The stars at night are wonderful.

Joe, my housemate, wrote a cool article in the La Puente monthly bulletin. Alamosa recently had a salmonella outbreak in their water supply. This caused a great deal of difficulty in the shelter. But the community came together to donate bottled water and help the staff deal with the hardships. Joe praised them for this but went on to quote a philosopher. The philosopher discussed gardeners who all came together to tend a beautiful rose, but the philosopher wonders, “who tends to the gardeners?” Joe’s response to this was wonderful. Man tends to man, we are all gardeners for each other. What a cool analogy. If we are growing well, we need little tending. But in times of stress we need to tend to each other until we are healthy again. Cool.

We attended a team building session. The individuals who are working here as volunteers are very special. Each unique, but each motivated in different ways. Each looking for something different, yet somehow very similar searches seem to be emerging. The session was held further up in the mountains west of Alamosa. There are some pictures on the side that I have posted.

I also attended a training class on homeless health care by the National Health Care for the Homeless Council. One of the things I learned from there is how essential having a safe place where you can sleep, eat, and call your own is to any recovery. The advocacy by this group is “housing first” basically saying that if we meet the lowest of Maslow’s hierarchy we can actually accomplish something with individuals. It’s an interesting concept to think about. It is astonishing how little I know of the difficulty of individuals in a homeless situation. I am humbled to think of how fortunate I have been and how much there is to do.

Hopefully we will start doing the work I came here to do soon. Everything helps, but I am excited and a little scared to start hearing stories and trying to help to the degree I can. Hopefully I will get to keep this blog up to date more often. I am sorry for those who can’t view the pictures on my blog. I am not sure what the issue is. I understand they work okay on FireFox. If any of you know where I can get a donation of older but decent computers, give me a hint. The ones in our office and what we use for training have a total memory of between 128 and 512 K. Needless to say the 128K machines are pretty slow. Since they are old machines, the cost for memory is sometimes pretty high.

Hope all is well in your lives. Till later my friends, all my love..

The Stations of the Cross

2008-08-06 Today we went to see the Stations of the Cross in San Luis. If you don’t know about the Stations, please Google them before continuing. I will wait………………….

Good, you are back. Visiting the Stations course made me ponder for a meaning behind them, beyond those that we were taught as youngsters. I found a meaning for myself, likely written by many others, that I feel makes the Stations relevant to our world.

What do the stations mean to me? I believe Jesus is symbolic of man. We are all part of a greater whole, and Jesus symbolizes this connection perfectly. We are all God and all man, all connected to each other through the universe, yet all living as independent beings. As Jesus carried his burden to Golgotha, so we all carry burdens through life. And though we have others who want to help, there are many more that won’t. Ultimately it is up to us to shoulder these burdens. But what each station shows us is that each burden is but a moment in life that we pass through. The event itself is not as great as our reaction to it. Ultimately once we recognize this, recognize our connection to the universe, have faith that the universe will provide, we become free of seeing things as burdens and start living in the current moment. We become free to discover that we can pass through each moment in love rather than pain. This is the true freedom we can accomplish, freedom from the pain of our burdens.

Enjoy photos in the slide show. They are of the stations and of the Great Sand Dunes National Park. The photos do little justice to the beauty of the area. I won’t be able to post for a while as we are off on a retreat through Sunday. Hope all is well with you, and may your burdens turn into brief moments of insight into the universal mother.

Getting Settled

August 5, 2008 So I have been in Alamosa 2 days now. My 3 housemates are Joe, Joe, and Matt. I feel like I am in an old Bob Newhart comedy, “Hi, my names Larry, this is Daryl and this is my other brother Daryl”. Nice guys though. I like the layout of my house, though my old habits of wanting to fix things creep through. I really want to fix up the front yard with new plants; I have already replaced the kitchen faucet with one I scrounged from a sink that was being thrown away. I have spent several hours cleaning and will likely spend several more. I am not an inordinately clean person, but there are limits that even I won’t stand for. I won’t go into details, let’s just leave it at "dirty toilet" and I’ll let you imagine whatever nastiness you please.
Today we got a tour of Alamosa, ate at the kitchen (which by the way will be my main source of lunch and dinner) and were introduced to many of the different facets of La Puente. Listening to the head of each area of this wonderful organization made me realize what a perfect choice I made in deciding to come here. The concept of trying to be self-funding is only part of what I find incredibly cool. They engage the community as much as possible, and expand education to the schools about migrant workers, farming, homelessness, etc. But perhaps the thing that strikes me the most is the way they look at their customers. They deal with many different situations, many personalities, but the approach is far from cookie-cutter. They try to understand the individual, give that person dignity, belief in themselves. This holistic approach to the issues that these individuals face looks beyond solving the immediate problem (though that needs to be done also) but works on sustaining the person’s belief in themselves. If we could all but view our interactions in such a way. Seeing the person beyond the situation, and realizing that there are many things that go into an event, many that we are not even aware of. I believe our tolerance for each other would increase significantly.
A little aside, since I have no internet connection at my house, I have no idea how frequently I will be able to post. I need to scope out the library and of course Milagros coffeehouse and see what kind of hours I can get there. I bought a bike out here, so I will be using that more and more once I get used to those wheels under me. It also means that you may get multiple posts in the same day, so I will try to date each post in the post itself so you can see the day I am writing from. There will be some pictures in a while. Peace dudes.

Intuition 1, Brain 0

In 3 days my plane takes off. Maybe I’ll wake up. Maybe this dream will end. It doesn’t seem real. Certainly I don’t have any of the anxiety that I carried with me before I made this decision. And none of the fear I had before I quit my job. Now that I know I have made my decisions, the voices in my head that kept telling me “no” went away. Deep inside my heart I always felt good about this. Seems my brain and my soul were at odds with the decision, and for once my soul, my intuition, won out.
I am not worried about the future either. Once again, my brain isn’t working overtime. So perhaps I am finally making progress in shutting out those fears that keep me from learning more of my spirit. Thank goodness it only took 50 years.

I'll Get Better

I realize I haven’t been updating this blog very regularly. I’ll get better. The last week has been mainly sitting around, cooking, recording music, cleaning house, and all those other things one can do when not working. It has been relaxing and restful. I have decided that today I need to start making sure I have what I wrote down on my list of things to bring. I love not working. If only I didn’t have to eat or have shelter. Though eating is such a wonderful joy, work is probably worth it. Ahhh, the taste of sushi and sake. Here is a picture of mi familia.

What Responsibilities?

I had a wonderful party thrown for me on Saturday. My daughter came, as well as many friends, some of whom I haven’t seen for a long time. It was a great time, but by being asked so many questions of my motivation for pursuing this endeavor to Alamosa, I realized there was one question that I haven’t been able to answer until recently. That is, if I follow what I believe the universe wants me to do, what obligation do I have to those I have responsibilities to? It is a question I am sure has plagued many others than just I. It is a question that often makes it hard to take that last step to full faith in the universe. I struggled with this for the last several years, feeling the responsibility to my family, and yet feeling that strong compulsion to move in a different direction in my life.

I believe I have now answered this question for myself. Some may call it rationalization, but I believe it is more than that. If I truly have faith in universal guidance, I have to believe that my decision will not bring ultimate harm to those around me, as long as they too listen to the direction given by their hearts. It is presumptuous of me to think I can make a choice that’s best for them, but I know I can always make a choice towards a path that feels right for me. One needs to have faith that this decision works out best for those around me also.

This is a difficult concept to accept. Through my life, my choices have always been about family. By choosing to have a family of my own, I incurred obligations that I have been extremely fortunate to have been able to fulfill. I have made choices that I believe have been to the benefit of my family. But as I said before, this is presumptuous. I cannot possibly know that by making other choices my family would have been impacted negatively. This sort of “self sacrifice” may have been entirely unnecessary. Be that as it may, I have no regrets and am filled with joy every time I think of the wonderful family I have been a part of.

Obviously we can’t ignore those around us. But with proper discussion and caution, following a path you feel compelled by the universe to follow should not bring pain into anyone’s life, and you should not be racked with guilt over such a decision. Helping others to understand your decision, and helping them move through the fear of change into a position of readiness to listen to the universe is important.

Two Weeks and Counting

What a unique experience to wake up Saturday morning and not have any thoughts about what to do on Monday. For the first time in I ages, I have no thoughts about anything to do with work. For the first time ever I have left a job with no animosity towards the company or the management. I have left because of a choice to do something different in my life. I don’t have the feeling of needing to prove myself in a new job, as I have not been selected because of my technical “expertise”. For once I can do something in my life where the expectations of and on myself are simply to do the best I can do. No proof required.

This is extremely liberating. Though I may be leaving family and friends for a year, the thrill of actually meeting new people daily, living outside of a cube and being able to look at things not in respect of how they impact my job but what it can teach me is unique for me.

I love where I am going, though I don’t know where that is. I love being able to see many different possibilities instead of how best to code a function. I love the chance to experience life differently. I love the fact that I exist in a world that gives us so many opportunities, though I have often been afraid to take them. I love the fact that I have made so many good friends in my life, and they all come with me in my heart in some way, shape, or form.

Thank God we are alive, capable of thinking, changing, creating, pursuing, and loving. Though it shouldn’t be, the world looks differently to me right now. Even during this time before I start at La Puente cleaning up the house and yard is more exhilarating. I see my old requirements of success melting away, and new paths ready to present themselves. I feel more peace in each moment. I may not know where I will end up, or if I will ever arrive, but I certainly will take more time along the path and enjoy each step.

Coming Close to the Beginning

Or perhaps it is the end. Thirteen more working days before I end my 20 some years of experience with corporate jobs (for at least a year) and head off for volunteer work in Colorado. I will be posting here over the next year and will try to document my experiences. Within the next few weeks I will start to document what I am hoping to learn. Over the course of the year I will hopefully give you a pictorial and verbal description of my experiences. I hope my friends will enjoy this, and respond back to my postings if so inspired.

So please join me in my endeavor. There will be much more to come.