I'll Get Better

I realize I haven’t been updating this blog very regularly. I’ll get better. The last week has been mainly sitting around, cooking, recording music, cleaning house, and all those other things one can do when not working. It has been relaxing and restful. I have decided that today I need to start making sure I have what I wrote down on my list of things to bring. I love not working. If only I didn’t have to eat or have shelter. Though eating is such a wonderful joy, work is probably worth it. Ahhh, the taste of sushi and sake. Here is a picture of mi familia.

What Responsibilities?

I had a wonderful party thrown for me on Saturday. My daughter came, as well as many friends, some of whom I haven’t seen for a long time. It was a great time, but by being asked so many questions of my motivation for pursuing this endeavor to Alamosa, I realized there was one question that I haven’t been able to answer until recently. That is, if I follow what I believe the universe wants me to do, what obligation do I have to those I have responsibilities to? It is a question I am sure has plagued many others than just I. It is a question that often makes it hard to take that last step to full faith in the universe. I struggled with this for the last several years, feeling the responsibility to my family, and yet feeling that strong compulsion to move in a different direction in my life.

I believe I have now answered this question for myself. Some may call it rationalization, but I believe it is more than that. If I truly have faith in universal guidance, I have to believe that my decision will not bring ultimate harm to those around me, as long as they too listen to the direction given by their hearts. It is presumptuous of me to think I can make a choice that’s best for them, but I know I can always make a choice towards a path that feels right for me. One needs to have faith that this decision works out best for those around me also.

This is a difficult concept to accept. Through my life, my choices have always been about family. By choosing to have a family of my own, I incurred obligations that I have been extremely fortunate to have been able to fulfill. I have made choices that I believe have been to the benefit of my family. But as I said before, this is presumptuous. I cannot possibly know that by making other choices my family would have been impacted negatively. This sort of “self sacrifice” may have been entirely unnecessary. Be that as it may, I have no regrets and am filled with joy every time I think of the wonderful family I have been a part of.

Obviously we can’t ignore those around us. But with proper discussion and caution, following a path you feel compelled by the universe to follow should not bring pain into anyone’s life, and you should not be racked with guilt over such a decision. Helping others to understand your decision, and helping them move through the fear of change into a position of readiness to listen to the universe is important.

Two Weeks and Counting

What a unique experience to wake up Saturday morning and not have any thoughts about what to do on Monday. For the first time in I ages, I have no thoughts about anything to do with work. For the first time ever I have left a job with no animosity towards the company or the management. I have left because of a choice to do something different in my life. I don’t have the feeling of needing to prove myself in a new job, as I have not been selected because of my technical “expertise”. For once I can do something in my life where the expectations of and on myself are simply to do the best I can do. No proof required.

This is extremely liberating. Though I may be leaving family and friends for a year, the thrill of actually meeting new people daily, living outside of a cube and being able to look at things not in respect of how they impact my job but what it can teach me is unique for me.

I love where I am going, though I don’t know where that is. I love being able to see many different possibilities instead of how best to code a function. I love the chance to experience life differently. I love the fact that I exist in a world that gives us so many opportunities, though I have often been afraid to take them. I love the fact that I have made so many good friends in my life, and they all come with me in my heart in some way, shape, or form.

Thank God we are alive, capable of thinking, changing, creating, pursuing, and loving. Though it shouldn’t be, the world looks differently to me right now. Even during this time before I start at La Puente cleaning up the house and yard is more exhilarating. I see my old requirements of success melting away, and new paths ready to present themselves. I feel more peace in each moment. I may not know where I will end up, or if I will ever arrive, but I certainly will take more time along the path and enjoy each step.