Impulse

I wrote this a while ago and just need to reiterate an ongoing theme in my thought.

I feel something inside that is compelling me to do something. Thing is I don't know what it is inside and what it is I am supposed to do. Why do I think about either? Because I am not sure if the thing inside is just me making something up, or some aspect of the Universe, or God, or spirit guides or whatever gets in touch with you trying to push me somewhere. This matters because if is my own compulsion, I certainly need to put a different perspective around it than if it comes externally.

Either way, the feeling it creates in me is one of anxiety. I continue to be open to things that come in front of me, to be observant of opportunities. But I just don't feel like the right thing has come there yet. So I continue to try and be patient, while inside my stomach churns with a mixture of excitement and frustration. The compulsion still is there and I am not sure where it will bring me.

Need to Start This Up Again

I realize I have taken a hiatus from writing for far to long. I have taken time off to see if I could discover something by taking an online class on Integral Enlightenment. I did discover something very important.

I contain a lot of philosophical thought that has piled up over the years. That thought has a lot of value, at least to me. I don't need more ideas. Thought alone does nothing to actually help me discover what the impulse I have inside is. I need to do something.

And so, I am starting with the simple act of writing. I have no idea of what that will bring me. But for years I have enjoyed writing and didn't do it because of fear of not being a good enough writer. Now I know that doesn't matter. I will do it for me and that is good enough.

Ethic of Service?

So in an AmeriCorp survey I took for my post experience interview, there was a question of What does the term "Ethic of Service" mean to you. This was an odd question. I think we all have been compelled to serve others, whether our boss, kids, spouse, or some sort of "social" service. But as I though about it, why is the reason behind a compulsion to serve.

My answer, as many of my answers for these kinds of questions are, is that we are taught that this is good, and that makes us good. But I don't think anyone doing something they don't want to simply because they feel it is the right thing doesn't make them feel good.

So my definition for this term came to this. Loving oneself such that service doesn't become a thing to do, but just a part of yourself that extends your understanding of the love that is in us all to everyone.

What do you think? Anyone reading this anymore? Would be interested in your opinion.

Modern Castles

I walk amongst parapets of steel and cement
Climbing and reaching to the sky
And between them corridors
That wind and bend
Sometimes emerging on a small shop
Sometimes emptying into a vast space
Often just meandering to seemingly nowhere
Until they emerge at a destination.

I may encounter a Christmas tree
Or a man playing guitar
All part of a downtown castle
A village of beggars and kings and waifs and merchants
Bound together by the corridors
And something else
That no one can really see
Or really wants to see.

For we are just part of a modern kingdom
And for all our fanciful toys
We are not really that advanced.

Religious Thought

Just read a long book by Neal Stephenson called Anathem. Though slow at times it had some very interesting insights in it. I won't go into the details of the book as it is quite complicated. But somewhere towards the end, there was a response to a person who had embraced an old religious thought and held that as true, despite evidence otherwise. They represented a faction of the world who just wants a belief to hold on to to have things make sense, much like the comfort many of our religious organizations give us. The response can be paraphrased this way.

"He decided to continue his studies because he said that the more he knew of the complexity of the mind, and the cosmos in which it was inextricably and mysteriously bound up, the more inclined he was to see it as a kind of a miracle - not in the sense that the religious use the term, for he considered it altogether natural. He meant rather that the evolution of our minds from bits of inanimate matter was more beautiful and more extraordinary than any of the miracles cataloged down through the ages by the religions of our world. And so he had an instinctive skepticism of any system of thought, religious or theorical, that pretended to encompass that miracle, and in so doing draw limits around it."

Allowing my mind to be free to explore the "miracle", seeking the ways that I am bound up in the cosmos, and creating meaning seems to be the single most important thing for me right now. I am not looking for an answer, for as the above quote alludes to, an answer is fleeting. It only puts boundaries on the beauty of the miracle, and therefore limits ourselves to how far we can go.

What I really want to do is free my mind from the burden created by my own ego. I want to act from a place within, a place that touches the cosmos. I guess that is asking a lot. Perhaps someday I can get there. I do feel better about not needing to embrace a specific dogma now when it comes to religion. The "miracle" means to keep searching. Draw no limits, see no boundaries.

Talking to Myself

I just realized that when I post blogs, I post really long ones. I don't know if I would read them myself. Why do I ramble so? Perhaps because I know I am just talking to myself. And is this a bad habit? No, of course not. Who knows you better than you?

Try asking yourself questions someday and then answer them in a spontaneous way. Don't think about how stupid the guy who asked you the question is. Just respond. It's amazing what one will tell one's self, and it is even more fascinating in that you will actually listen.

This is a good practice. Challenge yourself constantly and respond without thinking. You'll be amazed at the insights you have of yourself.

Surprise, I kept it short.

Room for Expansion

I believe long ago I wrote about the universe speaking to me, telling me I needed to expand. I have been contemplating this and today came to understand an aspect of this message.

I have often mentioned that I have been blessed with skills and capabilities that have brought me to a point in life where I am comfortable in both material and emotional comforts. I am in a position that not many people (percentage wise) in the world can get to. Given where I am at, I have the freedom to make choices others don't.

Looking at things that way, I realize that I have several directions to head in my field of life. There is my parent's paradigm of retirement, there is a paradigm of complete devotion to a cause, there is giving up on life completely, there is... ; let's just say infinite possibilities.

Expansion at this point means to take my freedom and expand beyond my parent's paradigm and move towards something different. Take the rare opportunity given to me (or some would say created by hard work, depending on your epistemological view) and expand it into something more.

My goal now is to detach myself from thinking of life as linear and observe it more as circular. My father was in the same position I am right now at some point in his life. He made his choices, which were all perfectly fine. It has circled back to me. In some ways I am in an even better place than my dad was. What will my choices be? If I choose the same as my dad it will truly be circular. Perhaps a helix is a better way to think of it.

Circling around yet not to the same spot. As threads in a screw. Almost as a strand of DNA. Goodness where is my mind taking me now. The beginning is never the same as the end, and yet we come back to a spot very close and start over.

Oh well, expand as a helix. Circle around and learn so we don't keep repeating life but advance it in a positive way. I like that a lot. Oh yeah, and live in the moment. And I forgot, don't take anything personally. And....

There a thousand axioms and theorems to live by. Try one, learn, come back, learn some more.

Love all