The Abode

For those of you interested, here are some pictures of the house. I know I haven't shared this with many yet, but thought now would be a good time. I think my brief illness and feelings of wanting that comfortable spot made me realize that I am pretty comfortable here now. My housemates concerned themselves enough with me to help me through, and so I couldn't really complain. So this first picture of the outside, of course. Many homes here have the garage turned into a family room theme. I don't know why since it gets so cold. The fireplace likely loses more heat than it generates, but at least it gave me the "deck".

This next one is from the kitchen looking at the front door. You can see the steps up to the upper bedrooms. You have seen my bedroom, so I will spare you that picture. I will also spare you the amazingly small bathroom with the 4 foot shower we use upstairs as the look of it may disgust some of you too much.
And now the kitchen entered into directly from the living room.

Last but not least the family room (i.e. garage).

Of course I haven't included the hallway off the living room that leads to the other two bedrooms and downstairs bathroom. But this is pretty much our living space. Hope you enjoyed the tour. This house is available for a mere $175,000 payable to yours truly. I have other available properties throughout the US, particularly if you are sucker enough to buy this one.

I Want My Mommy

I have finally been hit by some mysterious illness that was either caused by food poisoning or by a flu virus. Either way, it wasn’t a pleasant thing to go through. I will spare you the symptoms, but as of this writing I have at least gotten through 2 of 4. It is interesting how being ill always makes me think of one thing, "I wish I was home in my own bed, and my mom was taking care of me." It seems whenever I feel ill it always comforts me to think of my mother, my youth, the caring, the love I felt. Perhaps that is what life is all about after all, nurturing and love. I wonder if we lose that nurturing aspect as we grow older. Or if perhaps we only think about it in terms of our family, but never extend it further. It is something I am going to think about more, as I think it is only possible by seeing us as all connected.

First Monthly Volunteer House Party

So each month one of the three houses has to host a theme party. I put up some pictures from our 80's party just held. As time goes on here I am feeling more and more comfortable. I will be teaching some beginning computer classes at another organization. Met a wonderful woman there. The journey's of some of these people is fascinating. I am feeling less and less that my journey isn't unique and I am not alone. I really am starting to enjoy the different dynamics also.
The group of individuals that came to La Puente with me are really pretty amazing. Though all the stories are different, they certainly have a confidence about them that I never experienced at that age. They all have questions and different quests, but somehow it is encouraging to know that the generation behind me has learned a lot of lessons much earlier than I.

Intimacy and Loneliness

Something pretty unexpected has happened to me. I feel loneliness in a way that I never expected. I have made many friends here, but I realize the loneliness is something different. It isn’t one for family, friends, work, but for the feeling of closeness that exists in an intimate (not necessarily physical) relationship. I realize I took for granted that closeness I felt when being with my wife, my children, and my closest friends.

Recently I met a young woman who for some reason I felt an immediate connection to, though our lives have little in common. It is a wonderful thing. The sad thing is she leaves in a week. But what it made me aware of is the beauty of that connection. For a week I will be less lonely than I was, and enjoy the brief time I have instead of being sad for its brevity.

Because people need intimacy, warmth, love. Each person has varying degrees of this need, but as I have become more and more open to my own soul, I realize how much my soul is nourished by these encounters. And how, even though we survive without it, we are made better by each of these intimate moments, whether it lasts for 35 years, 1 year, 1week, or 1 minute.

It can be painful to have a connection move out of your life. And so we try to protect ourselves by isolating our souls from completely joining with another. This is so sad. Enjoy the encounter, revel in what it adds to your life.

My sister often says we should not be allowed to talk, as this just screws up our relationships with others. In many ways she is right. Imagine if we could only communicate non-verbally. We could no longer hide our inner selves, but have to be honest with each interaction. Our souls would be fully open to each other, feeling the presence of others without hiding behind words.

So what have I really learned? I need to be open to each encounter, listening and feeling with my entire being. I can’t expect magical things to happen with everyone I meet, but I can take away from each encounter the magic of life itself. I need to rejoice in relationships while they last, and not grieve them when they change. My light shines better when combined with others, and that addition can never be taken away. And though situations always change, my soul can only become stronger by being present each and every moment.

So He Does Come Down for Coffee!!

The question is "Is he any wiser or just becoming more confused?"

Lots More Random Thoughts

Today we had an all staff meeting. It was interesting to meet all the people, listen to the differing opinions, and see how diverse their backgrounds were. The director of La Puente (Lance), asked us a question whether we thought La Puente did too little or too much, in other words should they expand their services or not.

The opinions were spread from one extreme to the other. What the question made me think about was the limited funds, and that in the non-profit world the same as business one must protect your core business, make sure it is “profitable” and self sustaining before spreading your capital beyond. Unlike business, it is pretty difficult to take out loans to expand your business without being assured of some source of income, either in grant money or in federal funding. It strikes me that in business, a failure in expansion may just cause that expansion to fail, where the risk in the non-profit is it can bring the whole thing down. The social cost to losing a place like La Puente is enormous. So while our social needs continue to grow, non-profits have to be careful not to grow too rapidly so that they can maintain at least a core set of services.

The La Puente model of funding is fascinating to me also. It runs a coffee shop, two thrift stores, a boutique (with antiques), and a motel. These don’t fund the organization completely, but they certainly contribute a good sum of operating capital. I feel like there is something to learn within this model, though I don’t know if it would work in a larger city. The beauty is that they can use these businesses for job preparedness and training for their clients. Pretty amazing stuff.

Then I start asking myself “what can I learn here that I can take forward?” It is way too early for that question to be asked, and perhaps I shouldn’t ask it at all and have faith that for whatever purpose my path has led me here will be revealed. I do know that I already have a much different opinion about homelessness and the complexity of the issue. Is it personal choice, social pressures, or our culture that causes it? Good luck on finding a consistent answer on that. I also know that the general public tends not to have a real picture, as I believe organizations reveal what they need to in order to get money, but never really engage the public in controversial discussion. I believe this is what has to happen in order for our country to help not just the homeless but anyone else in need.

Miscellaneous Thoughts

So today I decided to go in and help prepare the food for the Sunday afternoon meal. Joe invited me to come, so I thought I would try. I realized that I really need to start being present here, become involved with both my co-volunteers and the La Puente system in general. My goal is to let go and discover, but I realized I am still clinging to my past. Damn cell phones make it easy to call people anytime, anyplace. It can become a habit. I need to move into the present, live with my decision, and not keep second guessing myself. I figure if I don’t call people every day I it will help. I also think once I get more busy, my focus will change.

I also decided that I need to build a better “nest”. These pictures are of my room, from the hallway looking in and from the door to the deck looking back.

It is more comfortable to me now than it was when I first came here (imagine in these pictures a queen size mattress on top of a straw bed). I found some paint so now I can get rid of the red trim. Then to the walls.

We went to a drive-in last night. Saw “The Dark Knight” again. It is a cool movie, and the struggle in defining the baseness of man is interesting. There are those who will move to the lowest means possible to survive, as the heads of the mob do, and there are those who show true understanding of the sanctity of human life, as the convict on the boat does. It also shows that past decisions don’t need to define who we want to be now. Again the convict is a good example of this. Batman himself struggles with this. By battling the crime in the city he created an environment for Joker to thrive. But had he not fought crime, criminals would run the city. He can only make a decision based on the moment, not on all past events. What is right now may not seem right later.

Oh well, I am feeling more in tune with myself today. Decided I have to get back to meditation. Made a delicious rhubarb cake with a recipe from my mom with the rhubarb that grows on the side of our house. Scrubbed floors and walls. Today I think I will paint the walls a bit. I need to start functioning in the present. Thank you all for listening. And Gary, Muhammad doesn’t always go to the coffee, sometimes the coffee comes to Muhammad.

My Family is Wonderful

So here I am. It is my son’s birthday, my family is making a dinner and I sit on my bed and write a blog. How do I feel about this? I am sad as I feel I am missing a part of life that is important to me. I love my family, they are wonderful people and it is hard to be here and not interact on a regular basis. I am fortunate that they have such wonderful capabilities as humans, caring, compassionate. Could I ask for more?

I am also happy. Happy that regardless of where I am, I know that they continue being the people they are. I am certain that my wife and my children will continue to bring joy and help others regardless of whether I am there or not. I feel that I have contributed to their lives. How can one ask for more, other than adding value to a person’s life?

My path leads me I know not where, but knowing that I have the love of my family, that no matter what they understand and hold no ill will, makes me feel that I am the most fortunate person in the world. Slowly I am losing the fear that I can do no more for my family and realize that it is me that they love, not the money or security I may have brought them. I realize the love I hold for them is the most important thing, and I desire to expand and share that love with those who never had someone in their life who cared.

After all, aren’t we all just one big family? Shouldn’t we all support each other on our quests and searches, with no judgments? My family has shown me the depth of this belief. It’s what I believe we each have to do with our daily interactions. Only then can this world achieve peace. Only then can we provide true help to those who need others. Done from our heart, in the same way we would help family, not because of trying to do good for others, but because we would never let our family down.

Life at a Relaxed Pace

2008-08-14 Alright, so it’s been a while. I apologize. Not much has been happening. I have been cleaning the house, the yard, the office, working on computers. Feels a lot like home. I have a wonderful view of a mountain from my house. I can sit on the rooftop and enjoy a nightly drink of Jameson and a beautiful view. The stars at night are wonderful.

Joe, my housemate, wrote a cool article in the La Puente monthly bulletin. Alamosa recently had a salmonella outbreak in their water supply. This caused a great deal of difficulty in the shelter. But the community came together to donate bottled water and help the staff deal with the hardships. Joe praised them for this but went on to quote a philosopher. The philosopher discussed gardeners who all came together to tend a beautiful rose, but the philosopher wonders, “who tends to the gardeners?” Joe’s response to this was wonderful. Man tends to man, we are all gardeners for each other. What a cool analogy. If we are growing well, we need little tending. But in times of stress we need to tend to each other until we are healthy again. Cool.

We attended a team building session. The individuals who are working here as volunteers are very special. Each unique, but each motivated in different ways. Each looking for something different, yet somehow very similar searches seem to be emerging. The session was held further up in the mountains west of Alamosa. There are some pictures on the side that I have posted.

I also attended a training class on homeless health care by the National Health Care for the Homeless Council. One of the things I learned from there is how essential having a safe place where you can sleep, eat, and call your own is to any recovery. The advocacy by this group is “housing first” basically saying that if we meet the lowest of Maslow’s hierarchy we can actually accomplish something with individuals. It’s an interesting concept to think about. It is astonishing how little I know of the difficulty of individuals in a homeless situation. I am humbled to think of how fortunate I have been and how much there is to do.

Hopefully we will start doing the work I came here to do soon. Everything helps, but I am excited and a little scared to start hearing stories and trying to help to the degree I can. Hopefully I will get to keep this blog up to date more often. I am sorry for those who can’t view the pictures on my blog. I am not sure what the issue is. I understand they work okay on FireFox. If any of you know where I can get a donation of older but decent computers, give me a hint. The ones in our office and what we use for training have a total memory of between 128 and 512 K. Needless to say the 128K machines are pretty slow. Since they are old machines, the cost for memory is sometimes pretty high.

Hope all is well in your lives. Till later my friends, all my love..

The Stations of the Cross

2008-08-06 Today we went to see the Stations of the Cross in San Luis. If you don’t know about the Stations, please Google them before continuing. I will wait………………….

Good, you are back. Visiting the Stations course made me ponder for a meaning behind them, beyond those that we were taught as youngsters. I found a meaning for myself, likely written by many others, that I feel makes the Stations relevant to our world.

What do the stations mean to me? I believe Jesus is symbolic of man. We are all part of a greater whole, and Jesus symbolizes this connection perfectly. We are all God and all man, all connected to each other through the universe, yet all living as independent beings. As Jesus carried his burden to Golgotha, so we all carry burdens through life. And though we have others who want to help, there are many more that won’t. Ultimately it is up to us to shoulder these burdens. But what each station shows us is that each burden is but a moment in life that we pass through. The event itself is not as great as our reaction to it. Ultimately once we recognize this, recognize our connection to the universe, have faith that the universe will provide, we become free of seeing things as burdens and start living in the current moment. We become free to discover that we can pass through each moment in love rather than pain. This is the true freedom we can accomplish, freedom from the pain of our burdens.

Enjoy photos in the slide show. They are of the stations and of the Great Sand Dunes National Park. The photos do little justice to the beauty of the area. I won’t be able to post for a while as we are off on a retreat through Sunday. Hope all is well with you, and may your burdens turn into brief moments of insight into the universal mother.

Getting Settled

August 5, 2008 So I have been in Alamosa 2 days now. My 3 housemates are Joe, Joe, and Matt. I feel like I am in an old Bob Newhart comedy, “Hi, my names Larry, this is Daryl and this is my other brother Daryl”. Nice guys though. I like the layout of my house, though my old habits of wanting to fix things creep through. I really want to fix up the front yard with new plants; I have already replaced the kitchen faucet with one I scrounged from a sink that was being thrown away. I have spent several hours cleaning and will likely spend several more. I am not an inordinately clean person, but there are limits that even I won’t stand for. I won’t go into details, let’s just leave it at "dirty toilet" and I’ll let you imagine whatever nastiness you please.
Today we got a tour of Alamosa, ate at the kitchen (which by the way will be my main source of lunch and dinner) and were introduced to many of the different facets of La Puente. Listening to the head of each area of this wonderful organization made me realize what a perfect choice I made in deciding to come here. The concept of trying to be self-funding is only part of what I find incredibly cool. They engage the community as much as possible, and expand education to the schools about migrant workers, farming, homelessness, etc. But perhaps the thing that strikes me the most is the way they look at their customers. They deal with many different situations, many personalities, but the approach is far from cookie-cutter. They try to understand the individual, give that person dignity, belief in themselves. This holistic approach to the issues that these individuals face looks beyond solving the immediate problem (though that needs to be done also) but works on sustaining the person’s belief in themselves. If we could all but view our interactions in such a way. Seeing the person beyond the situation, and realizing that there are many things that go into an event, many that we are not even aware of. I believe our tolerance for each other would increase significantly.
A little aside, since I have no internet connection at my house, I have no idea how frequently I will be able to post. I need to scope out the library and of course Milagros coffeehouse and see what kind of hours I can get there. I bought a bike out here, so I will be using that more and more once I get used to those wheels under me. It also means that you may get multiple posts in the same day, so I will try to date each post in the post itself so you can see the day I am writing from. There will be some pictures in a while. Peace dudes.

Intuition 1, Brain 0

In 3 days my plane takes off. Maybe I’ll wake up. Maybe this dream will end. It doesn’t seem real. Certainly I don’t have any of the anxiety that I carried with me before I made this decision. And none of the fear I had before I quit my job. Now that I know I have made my decisions, the voices in my head that kept telling me “no” went away. Deep inside my heart I always felt good about this. Seems my brain and my soul were at odds with the decision, and for once my soul, my intuition, won out.
I am not worried about the future either. Once again, my brain isn’t working overtime. So perhaps I am finally making progress in shutting out those fears that keep me from learning more of my spirit. Thank goodness it only took 50 years.