An Understanding?

A few days ago I posted a riddle that was presented to me. Today I think I discovered what it means to me. The odd thing is that it comes about because of the numerology thing on Facebook. Taking that led me to re-reading the numerology book that my friend Tina lent me.

I do have a problem with perfectionism. I tend to see the ideal, and get frustrated when I can't implement that ideal. This combined with my inability to see my own self-worth creates much anxiety. The book tells me to see the universal truth that all is perfect as is, and also to accept that nothing on earth is ever truly perfect. The best that can be achieved is excellence. This dichotomy explains my riddle to me.

I keep seeing the world the way I want it to be. This is the valley floor of beauty. It is my vision of the ideal of beauty (symbolising of course my vision of perfection). The mesa is the world as it is, not perfect, but perfect in it's place in the universal ideal.

I need to accept all things as perfect, including my own responses. This means I can choose to do things not acting out of guilt or anger but from out of love and respect for myself and others. This actually comes back to something I wrote many months ago about faith in the universe. The numerology book has a great quote that expresses this well.

"Perfect faith recognizes that our mind cannot know or assume what is for our highest good; this faith inspires us to appreciate the perfection of imperfection. Such a recognition opens doors to an expanded sense of life."

The word "expanded" is an interesting thing, for in a recent meditation as I was realizing that I had "let go" as previously asked to do, I heard the word "expand" as a direction to take for my next step. Funny but since then I have read many things using the word expand. Perhaps the universe does guide us if we have the courage to listen. It certainly led me today to a much deeper understanding of myself.

Carhenge

Just a quick note. Went to see Carhenge (check out the photos in the album). It is incredible that Americans can come up with such things. I wonder if in 10,000 years people will be confused as to which one came first. I particularly liked the other random car sculptures strewn around the field. I really need no more commentary on this, a picture is worth a thousand words.

There is also an album of the Badlands, which really is an incredible sight to see. Some day I need to get back there and really hike through it.

Finally are my final shots from the rooftop of my Alamosa home. It is strange not seeing the mountains every day, but it is also wonderful to see real green and feel the life that is humidity (kind of like a rain forest thing).

I am happy to be home. I have no idea of where my journey will take me now. It becomes more internal I think (don't know how that can be), as I don't know if I could take another long period of time away from friends and family. There is goodness in the separation but betterness in the connections.

Riddle?

As I was meditating the other day, a riddle was posed to me. A young girl, perhaps 8 or 9, came and took my hand. We flew to a very barren place, just rock and sand, no vegetation. The young girl looked at me and asked "Is it beautiful?".

I immediately wanted to reply that everything is beautiful, but I didn't really feel that. I did not say anything. We then continued walking until I realized we were actually on a huge mesa or plateau. We came to the edge, and below me I saw a rich valley filled with trees and plush vegetation. There was a river. The scene was breathtaking. The young girl looked up at me and asked "Is it beautiful now?".

I looked behind me and below me, and really didn't know what to answer. And was I being asked about the mesa or the valley?

And so the riddle. I can think about many meanings for this, and yet none seem to really fit. Like any riddle, there is likely not one answer, but surely there is an answer for me.

I am on my way home, sitting in a hotel in Sterling, CO. I am ready to be home, sad to be leaving. I am experiencing emotions I don't think I have ever had. Funny thing is I feel happy about that.

Final Volunteer Party for Me

So it was a great night with my friends. Here are a few pictures of the party. For those on Facebook, you can get the whole thing. It was wonderful to see everyone, and to wish them well. I have learned much from each of them, and am thankful that they are part of my life.

Decision Has Been Made

Spent much time debating whether I should return in August, or sign on again. I think I mentioned that in a previous post. Well, after deciding not to sign on again, I talked to Todd about contracting for him. Long story short (which is odd for me, normally its' short story long) I will be returning early. As a matter of fact I leave the valley on Friday this week and start work on June 8th.

It was an interesting path deciding to come back early. I realized as I thought about it that at this point I was only staying because of the commitment. I believe what I came here to learn I did, so I knew staying on would be out of obligation. This of course is something I was trying to eliminate in my life, that feeling of obligation, that somehow if I wasn't in whatever situation and helping to shape it, it would go wrong.

I realized this organization was not capable of listening to ideas, expanding the way it thinks. It wasn't necessary for me to try and save it. I believe I have made an impact here, but it is hard to feel that it will carry forward. This of course leads me back to obligation, to try and carry things forward. But I have understood more and more over the past years that you just do your best. It is not your choice how others take what you say. And to get upset over that is silly.

Of course the other reason to stay would be in another Mellotones production. This would almost of been worth it. But the job is extremely boring and monotonous, and it takes too much effort to try to make it better.

So there you go. I am excited about making money again. Odd as it sounds, I think I will like to have a challenging job again. It will be interesting for me to see how I react to working again. If I fall into the trap of frustration, or am just more willing to accept the word "no" easier. I am hoping to do some soul searching (I don't think that will ever stop) and research to find out what next steps are for me. I am hoping to write up a lessons learned, but that particular post may take a while. Also I know that some things I learned are not easy to define.

I will miss everyone here in the valley that I have met. The people I worked with and played with have enriched my life with friendliness and love. I also know I have much to learn from youth (talking 20 somethings). I believe they see things differently than we did at that age. It is certainly an interesting phenomenom.

Love you all, and will be seeing some of you soon.

Okay Gadget Freaks

I really like this. It speaks to our obsession with the next gadget. And also other things.