It Is Easter

It is snowing. A lot. I feel a bit melancholy. Holidays make me think of my childhood. Traditions and family all looked at in a different light. Maintaining the spark of childhood, yet growing older and seeing things with a bit more knowledge.

I feel ready to move on now. Not sure to what. Certainly whatever it is will become a new learning experience. My wife has been extremely patient with me. Her enduring friendship is something I will always be thankful for.

I am thankful for all who haven't judged but merely asked and accepted.

Perhaps son I can finally move out of the pathed wood and emerge into the field. There are lots of possible implications to such an approach. The major one is that those around you need to expect the unexpected. I don't think that will be a problem for most. Frolicking in the field of life may feel good to the frolicker, but certainly has implications to those who stand around and which him.

It's My Birthday

A time for contemplation. A time for remembering. A time for looking forward. I think back over the past year and it certainly has been eventful for me, as well as others who had to cope with those events. I feel that all these things have definately had an impact on me. Can I quantify that? Likely not.

Changes for me feel subtle. A little more relaxed, a little more forgiving. Have I found answers I was hoping for? I don't really know. I discovered things about myself that I didn't think needed discovering. That is good. Life still is a bit confusing to me, but I actually am starting to enjoy the twists and turns in the road, instead of being a bulldozer and trying to keep the road straight.

I love the way my children have grown. I love who they have become, who they are becoming. I love the way I feel I am growing. I enjoy each morning, afternoon, and evening.

I love the fact that I have many friends who care about me. More than anything, I appreciate more and more meeting each person in an open way, non-judging, trying to accept rather than critique. I am thankful for every gift I have been given in this life.

Thanks for all your birthday wishes. For those who sent cards, thank you. For those who sent presents, thank you. Have a drink for me today.

Thinking About Thinking About Nothing

As I was walking in this morning, I was watching the birds and looking at trees and it got me to wondering what life would be like if we just were instinctual like animals. I know people like to attribute human characteristics to animals but let's face it, they act primarily out of instinct. So how cool would it be to not think, not really have strong emotions, but be guided by nature?

How would it feel to be a bird soaring through the air? Or a squirrel running around, climbing trees, and getting fried by electric lines? And then the answer came to me. If I were completely instinctual, how would I know? Does a bird flying really think "this is really cool"? Probably not. They are just following the patterns that are genetically implanted.

Of course we can imagine all we want, another thing that would be impossible acting on instinct. So I have decided that acting on instinct is a good thing, but having the emotions and thoughts are also a huge blessing (even though at times they may hurt us). To find a balance between all of nature, our nature, our emotions, and our thoughts seems to be the lesson.

I do understand more and more why believing in yourself and letting life flow through you is the key. I always felt something subtly wrong with the image of us being in a river where we can swim with or against the current. I like to take the concept a little further and think of the river flowing through us, where we merge with life as we learn and become part of the flow, not an object seperate to it.

So as parting words all I can say is "BE THE WATER, FLOW AS THE RIVER FLOWS WITH YOU". Love you all.

I Am Sore

Not angry sore mind you. My body is sore. I worked yesterday with a workgroup of 9th graders and we worked really hard. We broke up several slabs of concrete, all taking much lifting and swinging of sledges. It felt really good to do heavy labor. Always invigorating to be outside. But my body responded this morning with many complaints.

So I have decided to do nothing today but sit in my pajamas, play games, and tip a few brews. Since it is so wonderful out, I did splurge and hang my clothes on the line to dry. And I will need to open my porch door to enjoy the beauty of the day. But all this will be done with minimum movement.

Is this all I have to say? I think so. Generally life is good. I am happy doing what I can do here. Not sure what that will amount to in the long run, but for now it is enough to take each day with joy. My contemplations on things tend to be pretty minimum these days. I have formed new ideas and opinions, but am no closer to defining what to do about them than I was 20 years ago. But that is okay, as I now feel that I understand a little better that which I over-intellectualized.

Love to you all.

Where Am I Going?

If someone could once answer that definitively for me it would be great. I have pretty much given up on the notion of a destination, and have been finding that the journey is becoming more fun. I have been given some more challenges at work, and will likely discover much more about myself in the process. I do know now that I love working to make an organization better (have I said that) much more than I like doing the front line stuff.

It is fun to challenge the way things have always been done, and make processes more efficient in order to better serve the customer. The customer in this case is whoever your business or organization is supposed to service. Makes no difference what business for me, I love trying to make things work better.

So it will be fun to start working with the coffee house and other projects within the umbrella of La Puente. I don't believe changes will be drastic, but I do believe now that maybe I can have some impact before I leave.

Yes, leave. I am not sure if I will extend here for a bit more time or not. It depends on where I get to in terms of what I am doing. I would never give up on something halfway through. But even though my last post may have sounded like I would stay here indefinitely, I certainly will leave here as I see more and more potential in myself and things I can accomplish.

So for now, I guess I don't really need to know where I am going because I am already somewhere. I don't want to trip over the roots in front of me because I can only see the horizon. I am starting to amble a little slower, happy looking up, down, all around taking in the sights at this point in my journey. I am sure the terrain will change, and cause me to adjust, but the only way I can adjust is to notice the current conditions.

Love all. Anytime I feel down now, I think about how blessed (have I written that enough) I have been for all the people who have brought me to this point. I have a meditation CD that has one sentence in it. "Love is the answer."

Two Weeks Ago

Two weeks ago I posted my last blog entry. I have had the honor since then of traveling home and seeing those who I hold dear. An odd thing occurred in this trip home though. I kind of went through a "reverse" culture shock. I realize how accustomed I have become to the lack of stress I have here in the valley. It was amazing to come home and think about where I needed to be when, traveling miles upon miles to get there, and then think about the next day. Though it doesn't create stress for me, it certainly was interesting to experience the feeling as if it was new. I enjoyed my visit immensely though. Seeing all my friends and family made me realize just how lucky I am to have such an amazing support network.

I also think I am ready to begin actually living in the valley. Being home made me realize that I came here not to miss home, but to discover about myself and my future path. I know now that I have turned a corner and really want to dig in and see what I can do, both for myself and La Puente.

This morning I had another bit of the voices speaking to me again. The ones who told me I had to "let go" have now returned and told me I need to "expand". I can only guess I will understand that over time, the way "let go" became clear to me over the course of the last year. I believe I need a teacher or guide now, something I wouldn't admit to before, so it will be interesting to see what happens in the next few months.

Love you all. Thanks to all those who traveled specifically to see me. I wish I could of seen Krista, but she was gallivanting in the sun. Please be safe and happy. Remember that actions speak louder than words, and though we may say what we believe, it is much harder to live it. Peace, love, and loads of happiness.

Okay So I Have Been Lazy

I am excited about being home, and my days have found kind of a routine swing to them. I actually am not thinking an inordinate amount and that is allowing me to enjoy my time here more. I signed up for the Alamosa Community Choir and that is really fun. The Mellotones rehersals are also starting up, so that takes care of Monday and Tuesday nights. I do have one request though. Please don't ask me what I am going to do come August. My official press release statement is as follows:

I don't know and I am not thinking about it. Que sera sera. I have faith that my path will become clear when it is appropriate.

Another little revelation for myself. I was trying to find other ways of helping this organization and in the process realized that much of my joy in any job comes from improving the organization and making it better, not necessarily in doing the work of the organization. Although it can be fulfilling to help individuals, it is even more fulfilling for me to give the organization even more possibilities than it thought it had. Guess I always felt that way for whatever company I worked for. Unfortunately in business institutions this is often looked on as making waves and trying to make a name for yourself.

Looking forward to being home in a week. See you then.