Show Was a Success

Once again I discover how much I love to perform. Our show was fun to do, and I am hoping the video tape turned out okay and I can procure a copy. Something to remember from my time here. It is interesting how I view one of the best experiences I had here was performing with the Mellotones. All the people involved loved to sing, but what's more important they enjoy their entire life. It is a very positive experience being around these people, and it will live in my memory as a lesson to enjoy the moment.

I still struggle now with the desire to be home. Making the decision to not stay has made me anxious to be back. I don't feel I have that much personally to accomplish here anymore, other than knowing I fulfilled a year commitment. Odd how I went from one end of the spectrum to the other. I think in the past I would of stayed here out of obligation, but I understand now that this organization is pretty stuck in it's ways. There is no outlet for ideas really.

And perhaps that is another lesson for me. Although the corporate structure seems to be stuck, it always seems to me that I had the ability to have a dialogue with my bosses. I could discuss ideas and changes, and though often rejected, at least felt that I was listened to and respected for those thoughts. Here I feel that the dialogue is limited, and often results in answers like "I don't really understand the valley" or "it is too costly". There are positives to corporate structure.

I do finally feel that I know myself better than before. I lose track of me once in a while, but now I feel more confident that I can find and listen to my inner self. I no longer worry about money, and know that if the right job comes along my first question won't be how much does it pay. It will be about the core values and beliefs of the organization. I also know that I don't feel compelled to work for a non-profit. Nor do I feel compelled to work directly with people who need help. I believe my skills lie in vision and planning, so I need to find something, either in work or volunteering, where I can use that along with my convictions of where we have to go as a country. And work with people with similiar convictions. That of course is a whole different blog.

Peace all. I'll be back by August at the latest. And I keep swimming in the beautiful waters of uncertainty. It may be cold, but it keeps you feeling that you are still alive.

Helped My Shower Pass A Stone

Poor thing. Jumped in the shower this morning and the poor guy was suffering the weakest stream. Standing there naked under the dribble of water, I realized that it would take me a long time to rinse. So I turned off the water and unscrewed all the plumbing. I blew it all out and reassembled it. Still weak. I determined the real problem was in the head of the shower, and so I took that apart and pounded it hard several times against my hand. Lo and behold, a large pebble came out. After that the shower's stream was as strong as ever. I completed my shower in sheer delight at the strength of the stream and the happiness expressed by the water droplets coming out of the shower head now that the stone was passed.

Thus life in the valley continues. My days have been busy. My nights have been busy. The Mellotones will be celebrating their 30th anniversary extravaganza in a few weeks. We will be busy rehearsing. Besides being the entertainment, we are also the servers at the pre-program meal. If any of you plan on being in Monte Vista on the 24th or 25th, I can secure tickets for you. Hurry while supplies last.

I am trying hard not to anticipate being home, but it is difficult not to think about it. I think I will try contracting while I try and determine my next steps. Permanent employment seems silly right now as I ponder where the future will take me. Regular employment seems more like a real possibility for me for the future though. A little turn around in my thought patterns has made this at least an option for me.

Peace and love to all. Remember, don't make it personal. Ciao.

It Is Easter

It is snowing. A lot. I feel a bit melancholy. Holidays make me think of my childhood. Traditions and family all looked at in a different light. Maintaining the spark of childhood, yet growing older and seeing things with a bit more knowledge.

I feel ready to move on now. Not sure to what. Certainly whatever it is will become a new learning experience. My wife has been extremely patient with me. Her enduring friendship is something I will always be thankful for.

I am thankful for all who haven't judged but merely asked and accepted.

Perhaps son I can finally move out of the pathed wood and emerge into the field. There are lots of possible implications to such an approach. The major one is that those around you need to expect the unexpected. I don't think that will be a problem for most. Frolicking in the field of life may feel good to the frolicker, but certainly has implications to those who stand around and which him.

It's My Birthday

A time for contemplation. A time for remembering. A time for looking forward. I think back over the past year and it certainly has been eventful for me, as well as others who had to cope with those events. I feel that all these things have definately had an impact on me. Can I quantify that? Likely not.

Changes for me feel subtle. A little more relaxed, a little more forgiving. Have I found answers I was hoping for? I don't really know. I discovered things about myself that I didn't think needed discovering. That is good. Life still is a bit confusing to me, but I actually am starting to enjoy the twists and turns in the road, instead of being a bulldozer and trying to keep the road straight.

I love the way my children have grown. I love who they have become, who they are becoming. I love the way I feel I am growing. I enjoy each morning, afternoon, and evening.

I love the fact that I have many friends who care about me. More than anything, I appreciate more and more meeting each person in an open way, non-judging, trying to accept rather than critique. I am thankful for every gift I have been given in this life.

Thanks for all your birthday wishes. For those who sent cards, thank you. For those who sent presents, thank you. Have a drink for me today.

Thinking About Thinking About Nothing

As I was walking in this morning, I was watching the birds and looking at trees and it got me to wondering what life would be like if we just were instinctual like animals. I know people like to attribute human characteristics to animals but let's face it, they act primarily out of instinct. So how cool would it be to not think, not really have strong emotions, but be guided by nature?

How would it feel to be a bird soaring through the air? Or a squirrel running around, climbing trees, and getting fried by electric lines? And then the answer came to me. If I were completely instinctual, how would I know? Does a bird flying really think "this is really cool"? Probably not. They are just following the patterns that are genetically implanted.

Of course we can imagine all we want, another thing that would be impossible acting on instinct. So I have decided that acting on instinct is a good thing, but having the emotions and thoughts are also a huge blessing (even though at times they may hurt us). To find a balance between all of nature, our nature, our emotions, and our thoughts seems to be the lesson.

I do understand more and more why believing in yourself and letting life flow through you is the key. I always felt something subtly wrong with the image of us being in a river where we can swim with or against the current. I like to take the concept a little further and think of the river flowing through us, where we merge with life as we learn and become part of the flow, not an object seperate to it.

So as parting words all I can say is "BE THE WATER, FLOW AS THE RIVER FLOWS WITH YOU". Love you all.

I Am Sore

Not angry sore mind you. My body is sore. I worked yesterday with a workgroup of 9th graders and we worked really hard. We broke up several slabs of concrete, all taking much lifting and swinging of sledges. It felt really good to do heavy labor. Always invigorating to be outside. But my body responded this morning with many complaints.

So I have decided to do nothing today but sit in my pajamas, play games, and tip a few brews. Since it is so wonderful out, I did splurge and hang my clothes on the line to dry. And I will need to open my porch door to enjoy the beauty of the day. But all this will be done with minimum movement.

Is this all I have to say? I think so. Generally life is good. I am happy doing what I can do here. Not sure what that will amount to in the long run, but for now it is enough to take each day with joy. My contemplations on things tend to be pretty minimum these days. I have formed new ideas and opinions, but am no closer to defining what to do about them than I was 20 years ago. But that is okay, as I now feel that I understand a little better that which I over-intellectualized.

Love to you all.

Where Am I Going?

If someone could once answer that definitively for me it would be great. I have pretty much given up on the notion of a destination, and have been finding that the journey is becoming more fun. I have been given some more challenges at work, and will likely discover much more about myself in the process. I do know now that I love working to make an organization better (have I said that) much more than I like doing the front line stuff.

It is fun to challenge the way things have always been done, and make processes more efficient in order to better serve the customer. The customer in this case is whoever your business or organization is supposed to service. Makes no difference what business for me, I love trying to make things work better.

So it will be fun to start working with the coffee house and other projects within the umbrella of La Puente. I don't believe changes will be drastic, but I do believe now that maybe I can have some impact before I leave.

Yes, leave. I am not sure if I will extend here for a bit more time or not. It depends on where I get to in terms of what I am doing. I would never give up on something halfway through. But even though my last post may have sounded like I would stay here indefinitely, I certainly will leave here as I see more and more potential in myself and things I can accomplish.

So for now, I guess I don't really need to know where I am going because I am already somewhere. I don't want to trip over the roots in front of me because I can only see the horizon. I am starting to amble a little slower, happy looking up, down, all around taking in the sights at this point in my journey. I am sure the terrain will change, and cause me to adjust, but the only way I can adjust is to notice the current conditions.

Love all. Anytime I feel down now, I think about how blessed (have I written that enough) I have been for all the people who have brought me to this point. I have a meditation CD that has one sentence in it. "Love is the answer."